Silence

It's been ages since I wrote.
Here or anywhere else.

I kept thinking I'd lost my mojo. But that's not the true reason. I've either been too happy, or too busy, or at times too sad.
But things have changed since the beginning of this year. Over the past two months, I've realized, its not a case of 'too much's.
I'm being hollowed out. Slowly, but surely. With every failure, every lie told, ever time I've had to fight for something I want, every time I've had to hide the things that I want, I've lost a piece of me in the process.
It's like a bad case of termites, eating the wood from the inside, till there's nothing left but outside appearances.

That's what's happening, the wooden box in my chest is being eroded from the inside.
I've lost friends, damaged relationships irreparably with the people that matter the most, let go of passions that I've clung to for so long.
IT's not just about bad judgment, or bad decisions.
I'm tired of trying.

When I used to sit in a quiet room, I could swear I could hear the thoughts in my head, there were so many of them.
Now, all I hear is silence.
The sound of the hollow, termite-ridden wooden box in my chest.

Six places

After a particularly long break, I'm back. With Six places this time.
I must keep it brief but, predictably, I have projects due soonly :P

Soo.

SIX PLACES

1. The beach/seaside. Anywhere really, no specific place. Just close to the sea. Whattey calming place. I could sit there foreverrrrr!

2. My hostel terrace. Very unlikely place, I admit. But its just, its the terrace. Everything happens there. So many stories, so many hours of agonizing thought and drunken conversations and general happiness. It'll always be a favourite.

3. Turkey. As typical as it may sound, I can't help it, IT'S TURKEY. I've heard so much that I must must must go now! And so many pretty things to see/do/buy there :P Must go alone or with a friend but, NEVER with family. Never.

4. Welham. Its home. Its who I am. It doesn't matter that its not top of the list, it'll always be No. 1 for me :)

5. Ireland. Its so pretty. And so understated, under-hyped. Perfect.
P.E.R.F.E.C.T.

6. I should have something like home here, but it doesn't make sense. I don't have any permanent homes anyway :P So No.6 would be pondicherry. I want to settle down there. Open a bakery or something. Pretend to be all French.

Of course this list is compiled from my very limited exposure of the world, so yeah, it might change. But for now, this'll do :)

Next time, Five Foods.

Seven Wants.

Seven Wants.



1. I want CAKE. I'm sorry, leetaal obsessed. But I want really good cake, the kind that makes you close your eyes and wonder why everyone makes such a big deal about chocolate.

2. I also want a blackberry. Yes I'm a materialist. But I just want the BBM really. And the internet. Otherwise my lava is good enough (even though it has a keypad which is slowly peeling itself away from the phone)!

3. I want happiness. Everywhere. No seriously. I want everyone to be happy (this is to counter the previous two materialist wants :P)

4. I want to be a boy for a day. I want the world as my urinal. Just ONE day.

5. I want a superpower. Really. I want to be a superhero, its so cool! And everything always turns out okay.

6. I want willpower. I have ZERO willpower. If I get willpower, I'll lose weight, and I'll work a little harder on my grades and do something useful with my life.

7. I want a genie. Not the three wishes kind. The unlimited wishes kind. Then I can have all of the above and MOOOOREEEE. Muahahahahaha :D

Tomorrow, Six Places :D

Birthdayss :D

It's the Best Friend's birthday today!
I lowe her to bits and pieces.

Its amazing how you always find that one person who just fits.
She's like my soulmate,
and she's the only person who'll ever know EXACTLY how to handle me.

Best Friends over anything else. Anyday :)

So Happy 21st Baaasst Fraaand.
You're only as old as you feel
[Which in my case is 4,
and in your case is 40]

"If you should die before me,
Ask if you could bring a friend"
-Stone Temple Pilots

Much Pyaar :)

Eight Fears.

Ahhhhhh.
I don't know how many fears I'll actually list down here, but I'll try to be as honest as I can :P

1. Claustrophobia. I kid you not, I'm mildly claustrophobic. I don't like enclosed spaces, they make me nauseous little bit. I get nightmares of being buried alive in a coffin sometimes .
DON'T. LIKE. CLOSED. SPACES.

2. Its not so much a fear, as much as it is something I dislike. I don't like 'closed' modes of transport, (yes this should probably be included in the earlier point, but I think its important enough to merit a separate one). I get this really weird feeling whenever I'm in a plane, or a car with windows rolled up. Hence, Auto>Car, Train/Bus>Plane. Simple. I like feeling the wind on my face.

3. I'm scared of being left alone. Damn, it sounds pathetic. But its true. Not for long but, mus work on this.

4. Scary movies/stories. They give you this rush, but when its all said and done, and you go back to your bed, and everything's eerily quiet, I can swear I see something outside my window. Curse my over-active imagination, but I don't like the idea of ghosts/supernatural beings watching me sleep.

5. Nightmares. I'm not really scared of them per se, but I hate having them. They leave me too scared to go back to sleep.

6. I'm scared of dying. Any normal person would be, if you say you're not, you're faking it I tell you. I'm scared to death of death, of any kind.

7. I get scared while crossing the road. I'm one of those kinds. Scared shitless, will only cross when there's no traffic as far as the eye can see.

8. I'm scared of a lot of things, but the biggest thing I'm scared of is being scared. It kinda sucks when you feel helpless and scared, if you know what I mean.

Thats it then, Eight Fears. Tomorrow (or sometime soon), Seven Wants. Whee :)

Nine Loves.

Sorry Sorry.
I know its supposed to be this daily update thing, got caught with the daily vagrancies of life :P

So here goes, Nine Loves :)

1. Old Hindi Movies. There's nothing like them. I know I've heard my parents harp on about this for the longest time, but I agree with them now. Nothing like Old Hindi Movies. They don't make movies like 'em anymore.

2. Books. Always been my love. Ever since I could waddle around in diapers.

3. Angry Birds. I call it a jihad against piggies. :D (Latest obsession)

4. Food. I sat down to think about what kind of food I love most, and realized I love food. Full stop. Of every category, of every kind.

5. Coldplay + Snow Patrol. They should probably be two separate headings. But I love both =)

6. Train journeys. Its a pity I don't get as much of them as I would want.

7. Disney Movies. Loved them. Love them. Will keep loving them. There's nothing like an animation to keep you company. NOTHING.

8. The Rain. I LOVE the rain.

9.Sleep. This should be my first one actually. I LOVE my sleep. A little too much for my own good, but I love it.

So yes.
Nine loves.
Tomorrow, Eight fears.

Ten Secrets

The ten-day challenge.
Sorry, I know I promised I'd start this a long time back.
But life's a bitch. Because you sit down, and plan something.
And fate doesn't like that one bit (sucha bitch she is), so she screws you over.

Therefore I start today =)

Ten Secrets (I'm not sure how many would qualify, but here goes).

1. I'm a hopeless Snow Patrol/Coldplay lover. HOPE.LESS. Trust me on that one.
2. Some disney movies (i.e. Beauty and the Beast, Lion King) still make me cry, and I don't cry very often.
3. I can be a little emo. A leeetaal bit.
4. I bite my nails. I grow them, then get nervous and bite them.
5. I don't like people shaking their legs. Very disturbing.
6. I don't spend more than 15 minutes getting ready. I think it shows too.
7. I sometimes buy clothes that I think are pretty, but not really my size and plan on using them as inspiration (never happens but!)
8. I am L.A.Z.Y. Like you wouldn't believe.
9. I'm also messy. Pretttty messy. But then I have these insane fits of cleaning my room. And then it gets messy all over again.
10. I'm a little obsessive compulsive about things, like washing my hair everyday. I kid you not. Every single day. Maybe that's why I'm balding.

There. Ten secrets.
Till tomorrow then :D
Love.

I think its called an epiphany.

I still lick the cream in the centre first, and then eat the actual biscuit.
No matter what they say,
some things, well, they never change.

Toodles. Exams.

The Ten-Day Challenge

So I got this off another blog, Sensitive Chaos. Must see. I love her pictures :) And her headers are awesome.

Anywhooo.

The way it goes is this-

Ten Secrets
Nine Loves
Eight Fears
Seven Wants
Six Places
Five Foods
Four Books
Three Films
Two Songs
One Picture


I start tomorrow. Promise. Even though I've been so darn inactive.
Tomorrow Promise. Even though I have project submission soon :P

Crash and Burn

We build it up,
tentatively,
fledgling desires,
feeding it life.

We watch it grow,
amble up the wall,
slowly, surely,
clutching every step.

We revel in its success,
each step forward,
our step forward,
We lose ourselves in it.

Then it falls.
And we fall with it.
Inexricably tied,
falling as one.

We crash. We burn.
We live the pain,
live the horror,
we watch it destruct.

And we pick ourselves up.
Brush off the remains of what was once,
move onto something new,
and like the fools we are,
invest all of ourselves all over again.

Badi Mushkil Baba, Badi Mushkil.

Badi mushkil baba, badi mushkil;
Gore gore gaalon pe hai kaala kaala til

I woke up this morning, with a bunch of songs stuck in my head. All of them item numbers.
So then I went on Youtube.
And I ended up discovering my lost childhood.
Not really.
But I ended up going from one song to the other.
And I spent a little more than an hour.
Just looking at videos of old hindi songs.
And I think I kinda sorta fell in love.

So there was Madhuri Dixit in Ek do teen

And then there was Urmila Matondkar in Chamma Chamma

And Shilpa Shetty in the song I woke up with in my head, Main aayi hun UP Bihar lootne

So many of them. SO many.
These are just a few.
I'd add more. But I'm late for lunch.
But I shall be back, with more of them.
Soonly :)

Cow or Pig?

I should be sleeping. I really should. And I'm not going to be all Emo and stuff, even though early morning writing usually means that something is on my mind.
But I shall not be Emo.
Because, really, blogs are public fora, and I'd rather keep my life to myself too (aside from the fact that I'm sure you don't want to know about it too :P)

Anywho.

I realized today, that every step of the way we make a choice. Take this path,don't take that one. Step here, not there. We make a choice everyday.
And its not just the big ones, the ones that may be life-changing or that will decide the course of the day; its the small ones that matter too.
And there are different types of choices.
There are the ones you make unconsciously,
the ones that you need to rack your brains to make,
the ones that call for deep soul-searching,
the ones that require you to face your fears,
the ones take a bit of you with them,
the ones that need to be made every single day.

There are choices that you make. And you make them every step of the way. Because every step of the way, life throws situations at you that require those choices. And you make them. And sometimes you'll get situations where making that choice takes a huge chunk of you with it.

There's no set way to deal with it you know. Sometimes you can do what Christina Yang does in the Grey's Season 6 Finale, go by gut instinct. Close your eyes and ask yourself, "Pig or Cow?". And go with the first answer that comes to your mind.
Or you sit and think about it. And think. And think some more. And once you've looked at it from every possible angle, and dissected every little limb, you reach a conclusion that is well thought out and logical.

Personally, I'd do the former. But sometimes you need to do the thinking too.

And sometimes. You close your eyes, look deep inside yourself, and ask yourself a question. And you find the answer. Not the answer you want or need, but the answer that IS.

When life gives you lemons,
sometimes you don't have to make lemonade,
or ask for tequila and salt,
or squeeze the lemons till there's nothing left,
or just suck on them and let the bitter jolt you back to reality.

Sometimes, you just look at the lemons, and wonder why life gave them to you in the first place.
You look at the lemons, and ask yourself what you want from them.
Ask yourself, what is it that you want to do with these lemons in your life.

Sometimes the purpose of the lemons isn't finding the answer. Its asking the question.

What you make of those lemons is completely your choice.

Daybreak.

Thats what I'll be seeing anyway. Since I've to stay up all night.

But, its also a Snow Patrol song. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE Snow Patrol.
No?
Strange.
Well. I LOVE them. L.O.V.E.
They're perfect. Like their song daybreak. So right and so wrong too.

"Something was bound to go right sometime today, All these broken pictures fit together to make the perfect picture of us".

Even the worst days, end with something good.
Like somethings that get solved. And somethings that make you feel better.
And sometimes its just the reassurances that work.
Whatever it is, cheesy as it sounds, its true, there is a silver lining in every storm cloud.
There always is. You just need to look for it.

Sometimes we're so busy looking at the storm cloud, we overlook the lining.
So open your eyes.
Stop looking at the broken pieces, it's pointless.
Look at how they fit together.
Life suddenly becomes meaningful.
Try it. :)

Break.

I NEED a break.
So this moot is driving me crazy. So much. So little time.
But thats how it always is na?
Its okay though.
Its the feeling you get once you've finished thats worth it.
According to a friend of mine, he loves it for the loss of control.
You cannot control what happens when you moot.
I don't like not being in control.
What I do like i the feeling you get once you hit the nail on its head.
Once you find yourself an argument that you know will work.
The feeling.
The pure joy, the euphoria.
Thats what I'm in this for.

And with that, my break ends.
Back to my pursuit of happiness. :)

[I decided not to give it a title]

So I'd originally written this for the Law School Lit Mag. Submitted it. Lets see how it goes. *Fingers crossed*


In fields of gold
Under the burning sun
We let our spirits soar
And we grew old
We grew as one
Walked out childhood’s door
And sitting by the firelight
Way past our prime, far beyond
Gnarled and old and spent
The voices in my head they went
These boots are meant for walking
For playing they are not.

Across the lands
So fair and free
Whose rivers fill with blood
We walk in bands
In files of three
Our feet feel like wood
The children dead, their mothers weep
Their homes burnt, still burning
Chaos, wrought thus we
And in my head, they say to me
These boots are meant for walking
For fighting they are not.

In secret nooks
Whispered goodbyes
Hurried glances full of stealth
Poems scribbled in old books
As time flies by
Return to haunt us both
Forbidden love, so sweet its taste
So dangerous, So cruel, So vile
Letting you live, yet leaving you dead
The voices, they said, inside my head
These boots are meant for walking
For loving they are not

And time flew by
Till everything turned cold
Seasons changed, years grew on
The lakes, the rivers, the sky
Stayed as old
The frogs continued to spawn
I did but walk all my life
Away from all I ever wished
Till the fire of my heart was stilled
Then the secret, the voices, they spilled
These boots are meant for walking
Yet for walking they are not.

I LOVE Old Hindi Songs.

So I've been listening to Hindi songs all day. The really old ones. The ones that make you go 'Oh my FUCKING God', I heard these songs when I was a baccha. And they're lovely. You can imagine them. In your head. Its like there's this grainy reel playing in your head, and you can see yoursself, etc. etc.

I LOVE Old hindi songs. They have that sense of poetry in them that today's gaana's lack. They're so lyrical. And so beautiful. And so cute some of them are.

I love old hindi movies too. But I can't really get my hands on those.

So I stick to the songs.
And they're the perfect accompaniment for while working. They don't demand you to pay attention to them. They're there in your subconscious playing. And the tune remains in your head, way after you've shut your laptop, and are nicely on your way to a dreamless sleep [At least thats the case with me!]

So. I'm off. To listen to my purane Hindi gaane.

Till then,

Babuji Dheere Chalna,
Pyaar Mein Zara Sambhalna,
Bade Dhoke Hain Is Rah Mein.

Catching Falling Stars- 5 to be precise.

Its that time of the year again.

What time?

Why Meteor Shower time of course!

I sat for my second meteor shower in Law School. Last time, it was with a very good friend, a senior, and we had this long conversation about law school and life.

Tonight, I sat with another good friend.
But we had no profound discussions.
We didn't talk about Law School.
We didn't talk about Life.

We listened to music.
And we looked for shooting stars.
And we looked for shapes in the clouds.

Last year, that conversation on the terrace made me finally feel like part of something.
Tonight's conversation, it made me feel like I was part of Law School in a different sense.
Not the sense of just becoming part of something,
but the feeling of being part of something.

I'm beginning to find my place here. And its not the place that does it.
Its the people.

Sometimes the most meaningful conversation are full of silence.

Shadows Across The Sun

Dull.
It darkens.
Gloomy. Dreary.
The trees become,
Foreboding monsters.
Their hands reaching out,
To catch me.
Leaves, scuttling around like crabs,
Like memories.
Long forgotten,
Ever remembered.
Sit on the bench,
Chilled to the bone.
The wind whispering,
Its darks secrets in
My ears.
Hair whipping across,
My face, stung with cold.
Dull.
Dreary.
Like shadows across the sun.


Bright.
It brightens.
Sunny. Hopeful.
The sky beams,
The trees quiet.
Their ominous countenance,
Stilled by a single ray
Of sunlight.
The breeze lifts me,
Plays with me
Dances
With tendrils of hair.
Whispering, congratulating.
‘You’re alive’ they say.
And I am. Truly am.
In every sense. I am.
They touch my sense.
And I exist.


And it darkens yet again.
This flighty world.
All because of the
Shadows across the sun.

Blood. Shot.

The silence deafening, still, I can sense the noise. The world moves, in tandem with my pulse. I can feel it. I can feel every thud of blood against the thin walls of my vein. I can feel it, the earth moving beneath my feet. I can see the stars too, in their dance with the clouds, ever so coy. And I can see the street lights. Harsh, yet oh so soothing. I stagger to my feet. Aware of every millisecond that it takes me to reach my equilibrium. Aware of the 'swoosh' inside my head. So minutely aware. Of. Every. Single. Thing.
The rush of the wind against my skin. Aware of the movement of every strand of hair. I feel myself becoming one with the elements. Stable as the earth, as ever-moving and restless as the wind. Every cell intense, like the fire. And as tranquil as the puddle in front of me.
The puddle.
I lean forward. Aware of the shift in my centre of gravity. So aware. So intensely aware. The world comes up to meet me, to cushion. The ground reassures me, its there for me, it will cushion my fall.
And I look at the puddle.
I see my eyes.
Blood. Shot.


The silence is deafening. I can hear my life flash past me. I look up, eyes wide, like a deer blinded by the headlights of an oncoming car. And I see the sneer.
The sneer.
It rips into me. The disfigurement alien, yet so natural on that face. A face I could never get enough of.
I can feel myself falling. Feel the weight of every molecule of air bearing down upon me. Pushing me to the ground. I feed my resistance with thoughts to live.
I. Will. Live.
For a minute, I'm defying gravity. Rising again in eternal hope. But as they say, whats written is written. I fall.
Thud.
I can feel the impact in every cell.
I look up.
Through my blurred vision,
I see.
The tears that cloud those eyes.
The face is hazy around the edges.
But I can see the love.
The mask has been lifted.
Or is it one last act of kindness.
Assuaging the fears of a dying man.
I can feel the gaping hole in my chest.
Tearing at every fibre of my being.
Devouring material me.
Liberating. Fatal.
I look past my chin to the bullet.

Blood. Shot.


Its red. Oh so red.
I reach for the glass.
Its cool. So cool against my palm.
My fingers cradling its soft contours,
as one would a baby.
My baby.
Never questioning.
Never answering.
Always listening.
The bile rises in my throat.
I will it down.
It shall not ruin this.
My climax to the perfect movie.
So beautiful.
So truly beautiful.
I raise the glass to the light.
It shines. It sparkles.
I can see through it.
My world red.
I raise my head.
Throw it back in a split-second,
of abandonment.
Of pure happiness.
And I flick my wrist.
The fire trails my throat.
And for a minute,
I'm one with me.
And then it rises.
Uncontrollable.

Blood.
Shot.

I'm being all dark and twisty again.

I reach for something,
deep within the confines of my head.
Matter lost in time,
abstract, never really mine.
Treacherous thought cloud my vision,
as tears threaten to spill.
empty spaces draw me in,
escapes from the usual din.

I'm running around in circles,
running endlessly in my head.
Hands spread in hopeless prayer, futile
greedily asking, bypassing the turnstile,
of faith, and the workings of powers above,
pleading for something to heal the noise.
But your prayers are not for me,
alike, false promises and traitors are we.

Dissolved in my own dark, I fold inward,
Searching for indestructible answers,
to questions that never did exist,
to theories that never will subsist.
I lose myself in thoughts of that,
that has never found itself existing.
I look to you, but you turn away,
I call to you, but you do not stay.

Jump from the burning building,
I follow instructions in my head,
Towers of the past, topple and burn,
within me, in pain, they twist and turn.
Charred and burnt, I lie in a heap,
and within pain, the hope is found.
Far from vestiges of the past,
what is to be emerges at last.